



^r^ 



' (^ V' ..\ 















xP 



.>9- 



v-^,^ 



A <^ '.-.-.' ,0* "^O 






.VJkX)^ 







V ^ - o • A - , U v^ ' . • s - ^ > 



'^ o 



-^Ao^ 










..^* _^;a«;. %.,/ / 




VERSE 

AND 

WORSE 

By JOHN EDWARD HAZZARD 



NEW YORK • 
THE BAKER & TAYLOR CO. 
1911 



19 1 1 



Copyright, 1911, t»y 
The Baker & Taylor Co. 



©CI.A300850 



Thanking for their courtesy: 

THE SMART SET 

for 

"Jes' Only Her" 

and 

THE PHILADELPHIA NORTH AMERICAN 

for 

" Martha's Christmas Tree " 



To the girl who gave me sadness, 
To the girl who gave me gladness. 

To the girl a little sweeter than the rest, 
And sometimes when I'm, lonely 
She comes — in memory only; 

To her a little better than the best. 



CONTENTS 

PAGE 

Last Year 1 

A Touch 3 

God's Country 5 

If You Should Go Away 7 

Unuttered 9 

A Feller's Heart 11 

The Dog That Hangs Around the Place 13 

Jes' Only Her 15 

The Chariot H-2-0 17 

I Was Happier When I Had a Lot op 

Fleas 21 

Uplifted 25 

Where Nobody Knows 27 

Settin' Along Side o' Her 29 

Seems Like the Ol' Man Understood. . . 31 

Jes' Waitin' 33 

Mighty Like a Blessin ' 35 

Something to Love 37 

I'll Never Lose My Money If I Ain't 

Got None to Lose 41 

On Loafing 43 

The Queenly Lady 45 

His House in Order 49 

The Goshdern Words 51 

Martha's Christmas Tree 55 

The Point of View 57 

Jes' Yer Little Ways 61 

Thou Shalt Not 63 

Lavender 65 

Which 67 

Perhaps — Some Day 69 

'Memberin' of You 71 

Hello 73 

The Right One 75 

Absolute Control 79 

To-MoRROw's Girl 81 

Jes' Me an' Nature 83 

EiLEY Must A' Knowed 85 

Nobody Loves a Fat Man 87 

My Prayer 91 



VERSE AND WORSE 



LAST YEAR 

¥ WAS sittin^ alone at a table, 

^ I was just sorter wait in' for her, 

I was watching a rose that I brought her 

My thoughts were a sweet, hazy blur, 

The rose was as fresh and as smiling 

As I knowed that she'd be when she came 

For the rose was the queen of the flowers 

And she was of women the same. 

She came as I looked at the posey 
She was as I knowed she would be 
Lovelier, sweeter, and better 
Than any white angel to me. 
I think the rose looked on my angel 
And down in its rose heart it said 
''She is fairer than I'', and in sorrow 
It withered away and was dead. 

I am sittin' alone at a table 

There ain't no use waitin' for her 

The chair that she sat in is empty 

I see the dead rose in a blur, 

Its petals are withered and tarnished 

Its voice is a memory call 

And it says that somewhere in God's cities. 

My angel is rose of them all. 



A TOUCH 

NOT long ago we met, this maid and I, 
And in the same old way were introduced 
And yet 'twas different, for it seemed to me 
As though my heart had suddenly been loosed, 
Her smile, perhaps she gave it to them all 
And yet it seemed no smile had ever been 
One half so sweet as in that crowded place 
Amid the afternoon reception's din, 
I touched her hand. 

I saw her oft — by chance or by design. 
And we were friends ere two new moons had 

come. 
For I could not forget that silken hand, 
And my poor heart kept beating like a drum. 
And oft we'd steal away where wines were 

good. 
And dinner was as kings would like to own, 
Across the tablecloth of shining white 
There, with my idol all alone,, 
I touched her glass. 

Then later on by some two months or three. 

In quiet cosy place by firelight. 

Where words were much too commonplace to 

speak. 
Where hearts are flint by which two souls 

ignite. 
Where love and loving permeate the air. 
And all the hours small as moments be, 
There with her held tight in my arms, 
My cup of happiness was filled for me, 
I touched her lips. 



GOD'S COUNTRY 

nPAKE me back to God's own country 
^ And where is that place, my friend? 
Is it here or just behind me 
Or at earth's most other end? 
Is it down where cotton's growing 
In our Southern lazy land? 
Or is it in the great wide West 
Of cactus, sage and sand? 
Is it Northward that you're looking 
Thinking of some winter feast 
Or far, far across the water 
'Mid the yellow of the East? 
Or perhaps the seething city 
With its turmoil and its crowd 
Is the bit of God's own country 
That you're crying for aloud. 

Take me back to God's own country 

And where is that place, my friend ? 

Why, the spot where we are standing 

Is to some most reverend. 

Why, for all of us God's country 

That is haunting like a ghost. 

Is where handshakes are the realest 

And where hearts and friends are most. 



IF YOU SHOULD GO AWAT 

¥F you should go away, 

* I know this bubble world would still go 

on, 
And I would smile and laugh when you had 

gone 
My eyes would not be wet, my look forlorn, 
I would not show the place my heart was 

torn, 
If you should go away. 

If you should go away, 

I'd still remember that I'd work to do 

And have the world say **Well done" when 

I'm through 
I would not moan nor look for sympathy 
They would not know how much it meant to 

me, 
If you should go away. 

If you should go away, 
The grass would still be green upon the hill, 
The brook would babble and race onward still, 
Its voice would sing as traveled it along 
And only I would hear a sadder song, 
If you should go away. 

If you should go away, 

I mean if you should go away from me. 

The world ? Why, 'twould not even pause to 

see 
And not a single soul would say ^' Alack" 
And only I would long that you come back, 
If you should go away. 



UNUTTERED 

T F I could paint, I 'd paint the lily white, 
-^ And painting, I'd paint you. 
Your hair with all the blackness of the night, 
Your cheek with all the blush of roses hue. 
If I could paint. 

If I could write, I'd write about your ways, 
For they have made me care. 
I'd write a prayer of love for him who prays 
That he might pray to you, my lady fair, 
If I could write. 

If I could sing, of you I'd make my song. 
And make it, oh ! so sweet 
That all the birds would listen and ere long 
Would pause and flutter downward to your 

feet. 
If I could sing. 

I cannot paint, I cannot write, 
I cannot utter tone, 
But I can sit and think of you 
Alone, alone, alone. 



''A FELLER'S HEART'' 

A FELLER'S heart's the dern'dest thing 
-^^ I know, 

They seems to be no way to keep it straight, 
Fer almost any place that you may go 
You'll find that you can lose it, — ^why, of 
late 
If I go out at all it seems as though 

My dern-fool heart will find another mate 
An' thump an' bump — but say, the feelin's 
great. 
I tell you my heart's got me right in tow, 
But I can't help it — I suppose it's fate. 

A feller's heart's an awful funny thing, 

An' mine will cause me trouble some fine 
day. 
What else but trouble can it ever bring 

If it keeps actin' in this foolish way. 
To every girl I see it wants to cling, 

Not thinkin' that it's me what has to pay, 
With heartaches, 'til another comes, then 
*'bing"! 

I've only got to hear her talk er sing, 
Er even on some old piano play, 

When I jes' want to rush an' git a ring. 

A feller's heart should never act like that. 

An' play the tricks that my heart plays on 
me; 
Sometimes I hardly know where I am at — 

I never know where I am goin' to be. 
My heart jes' tingles if I even bat 

An eye at some fair maiden that I see. 
I wish my heart would let me tell them* 'scat," 

Fer girls is false, an' apt to leave you flat. 
Yet knowin' this I feel a certainty 

The next will find me waitin' on the mat. 



11 



TEE DOG THAT HANGS AROUND THE 
PLACE 

V^ OU ' VE been to see the kennel dogs, 
* The kind that take a prize; 
YouVe raved about their marking, 

An' their lovely coat an' size; 
An' now you stop an' look at me. 

With no blue ribbon grace. 
Who am I? Well, I'm jes' the dog 

That hangs around the place. 

Them kennel dogs is fussed about 

An ' get the darndest care. 
They 've got a man to watch 'em. 

An' to stroke each ''silken" hair. 
But nighttimes, when they go to sleep, 

An' doggie wrongs efface. 
Who am I? Well, I'm jes' the dog 

That hangs around the place. 

I've sometimes seen some human folks 

That minded me of me. 
They seemed so grateful when they got 

Jes' a pat of sympathy. 
Folks do get dazzled, I suppose, 

By purple, gold and lace; 
An' they fergit the foolish dog 

That hangs around the place. 

I watched a feller once one time 

Come with a party here. 
A woman stooped to pat my head. 

And murmured ' ' What a dear ! ' ' 
*'Who is he?" Then the feller sighed 

An' looked right in her face. 
' ' Who is he ? Why, he 's jes ' the dog 

That hangs around the place." 



13 



JES' ONLY HER 

f NEVER was in love before, 
* Least, not since I was ten ; 
An' I guess I'll be as happy 

If I never am again. 
Fer tho ' I try to concentrate, 

My thoughts is all a blur; 
I've got nothin' on my mind, jes' only her. 

The boss jes' thinks I'm crazy, sure, 

I'll maybe lose my job; 
Fer I'm christened in the office, 

"That absent-minded slob." 
I've started out to do things, and 

Forgotten what they were. 
I've got nothin' on my mind jes' only her. 

I mostly, when I sit at meals. 

Put sugar in my soup. 
An' if I meet her suddenly 

My heart jes' loops the loop. 
I sometimes sit fer hours jes' as 

If I couldn 't stir ; 
I've got nothin' on my mind jes' only her. 

This love is mighty serious. 

An' mine is mighty bad; 
Fer when my thoughts are not of her 

They're all about her dad. 
He says that I'm a numbskull, 

But to him it don't occur 
That I've got nothin' on my mind jes' only 
her. 



15 



"THE CHARIOT H-2-0" 

V/'OU may talk about the triumph of the 
^ water wagon high, 
And quote: *'Me, not another drop! That's 

straight, I hope to die." 
You may look with pity on the man who's 

"looked upon the wine," 
And shake your head in sorrow as he walks 

a Marcel line. 
But you're feeling mighty lonely; there is 

sadness in your heart, 
As you gaze upon the long-faced saints beside 

you on the cart. 

Tell us on the wagon you have just as good 

a time; 
Tell us in the morning you are always feeling 

prime ; 
And your appetite is husky, as it hasn't been 

in years ; 
Your step is full of rubber since you quit the 

cup that cheers; 
Your ambition is so busy that it never needs 

a boost, 
And you rise at seven-thirty, when you used 

to go to roost. 

But, tell me, on the level, when all is done 

and said. 
Don't you miss those awful mornings when 

you murmured, ' ' Oh, my head ! ' ' 
When the tinkle of the pitcher was a welcome, 

joyous sound. 
When your head jumped twenty inches as 

your foot first touched the ground ? 
When the sizzling of the bromo sounded like a 

waterfall. 
And you sent regards to business as you left 

another *'call"? 



17 



Talk of music ! Why, the shaker and a flock 

of broken ice, 
With a neat amount of absinthe, is indeed, 

worth any price ; 
And the dear old resolutions, and the ''take 

that food away ! ' ' 
Till you get the drink that tells you you can 

live another day. 
Would you miss them — tell me truly — for a 

water cart and four, 
With no memory of the bully time you had 

the night before ? 



19 



''1 WAS HAPPIER WHEN I HAD A LOT 

OF FLEAS'' 

J 'M a dog, an' in my dog life 
* There has lately come a change ; 
Fer they've scrubbed me an' they've rubbed 
me, 

And they've cured me of the mange. 
An' the other things that dogs has, 

Why, they drove 'em all away, 
An' I find no occupation 

In what was a busy day. 
So somehow I keep a-thinkin', 

As I'm livin' at my ease, 
I was happier when I had a lot of fleas. 

Gee ! Those days I was so busy 

That my food I had to snatch, 
An' I had no time fer mischief, 

'Cause I had to stop and scratch. 
I never went them places 

Where trouble's bound to lurk, 
'Cause the pesky little insects 

Used to keep me hard at work. 
You kin talk of livin' easy. 

And of doin' as you please, 
But I was happier when I had a lot of fleas. 

I kept away from other dogs. 

An' I never had a fight. 
I used to use my teeth, but it 

Was me I'd always bite. 
I never longed to see the sights, 

Ner wander 'round the town. 
Because a flea mos' every foot 

Would cause me to sit down. 
They never used to coax me 

To git up on ladies' knees, 
An' I was happier when I had a lot of fleas. 



21 



I met a dog not long ago — 

A little doggie-ess — 
An* she was jes' as pretty, 

So I fell in love, I guess. 
But she's gone away an' left me, 

An' I'm feelin' all alone. 
I jes' don't care fer nothin'; 

Got no relish fer my bone. 
Oh, those days when I was busy, 
An' I couldn't think of ''she's"— 
Gee ! I was happier when I had a lot of fleas. 



23 



''UPLIFTED'' 

I'VE lately been sort o* uplifted, 
■■■ Religion? Well, yes, of a kind. 
But certainly goin' to churches 

Ain't always religion, I find. 
I Ve a certain fair human I worship. 

She's makin' me do better things. 
I've lately been sort of uplifted, 

An' my ambition's taken new wings. 

A feller don't do things that's rotten, 

When eyes that are watchin' turn sad. 
In fancy you feel hands that lead you, 

Jes' lead you away from the bad. 
When you feel a superior bein' 

Sort o' pleased with yourself all the while, 
Why, you've lately been sort of uplifted, 

An' you know you've done right by her 
smile. 

When you sort o' shake out all the wrinkles 

An' the wantin' to "do things" is real, 
Jes' 'cause you know that she'd like it. 

By gosh ! They 'se no stronger appeal. 
When you feel that the world needs a liekin' 

An' you jes' take your shoulders and shove, 
AVhy, you've lately been sort of uplifted 

By the kind o ' religion called love. 



25 



WHERE NOBODY KNOWS 

T KNOW a place what they 's nobody knows, 
* A place that I found where there's no- 
body goes, 
Where brigands and bandits and pirates all 

sleep, 
Where treasures is buried, most awfully deep. 
It's right on our lake, in a dangerous spot, 
And some day I'll join them as likely as not. 

I know a place what they's nobody knows, 
A place that I found where there's nobody 

goes, 
They's lions and tigers and dangerous things, 
They's wildcats and bats and they's lizards 

with wings, 
It's up in the woods there, just back of our 

shed, 
And some day I'll sneak up and shoot them 

all dead. 

I know a place what they's nobody knows, 
A place that I found where there's nobody 

goes, 
It's darker 'n pitch, and the noises you hear, 
Makes you all over creepy, and tingly with 

fear. 
Some day when I 'm older, and big, strong and 

stout. 
What's down in our cellar, I'm going to find 

out. 

I know a place what they 's nobody knows, 
A place that I found where there's nobody 

goes, 
And they's ghosts and they's goblins and 

phantoms and sich, 
And twice what I saw, was an old woman 

witch ; 
It 's up in our attic, and dangerous, gee ! 
Well they's none of our folks ever goes there 

but me. 
27 



8ETTIN' ALONG SIDE O' HER 

V17ISH I could tell you the feelin' I feel 
^^ Sittin' along side o' her. 
Sometimes I'm wonderin' if I'm really real 

Sittin' along side o' her. 
Sit all kinder tongue-tied an' turnin' bright 

red, 
Don't dare to look 'ceptin' jes' straight ahead 
'Memberin' things that I ought to have said 

Sittin' along side o' her. 

Always get laughing at nothin' at all 

Sittin' along side o' her. 
Bet you most folks think that I got a gall 

Sittin' along side o' her. 
But I don't give a darn 'cause I'm happy, by 

gum, 
Perteetin' my place from the others that come 
An' some day, well perhaps I won't have to 

go hum. 
From sittin' alongside o' her. 



29 



SEEMS LIKE THE OL' MAN UNDER^ 
STOOD 

I 'MEMBER the oV man jes' as well— 
"*• He was grizzled an' quiet an' kind, 
Wan't much on lickin's but jes' a look 
An' somehow I always would mind. 
Mother would tell him **Yes, spare the rod 
Yer a-spoilin' the kiddie for good," 
But it seemed like the ol' man sort o' knowed 
Like the ol' man understood. 

I 'member they called me tomboy then 

Said I never would act like a gal, 

But it never worried the ol' man much, 

He jes' tol' folks that I was his pal. 

When days would come that acted as tho' 

They wouldn't go right if they could, 

Why it seemed like the old man sort o' 

knowed. 
Like the ol' man understood. 

I 'member the day the ol' man died, 

It seemed like I'd turned into stone 

An' then I 'member the feelin' came, 

The feelin ' that I was alone. 

There wan't no tears tho' the rest all cried 

An' I would 'a' cried if I could, 

But it seemed like the ol' man sort o' knowed 

Like the ol' man understood. 

Old time's rolled many a turn since then 
Some days have been happy, some grey, 
But never one that he ain't been missed, 
Since the ol' man was taken away. 
Some days when the world seemed upside 

down 
An' nothin' was right or good. 
Why it seemed like the ol' man sort o' knowed^ 
Like the ol' man understood. 



31 



JES' WAITIN* 

"C^OLKS often ask wliat I'm doin' tlie while 
^ I don 't never answer except with a smile, 
Fer what do they care if my thoughts are 

away 
An' what do they care if I spend all the day, 
Jes' w^aitin'. 

Their sweethearts beside 'em I 've seen 'em go 

by 

An' I'm durned if there ain't somethin' gits 

in my eye, 
I feel kind o' choakj^ a lump seems to press, 
I ain't certain sure but it's lonesome, I guess, 
Jes' waitin'. 

An' then I remember her words, *' Honey, 

wait," 
Fer this goin' away's jes' a mean trick o' 

fate, 
But the same fate that took me, will bring me 

back, dear, 
I remember her words an' I'm glad that I'm 

here, 

Jes' waitin'. 

So don't pay attention or worry yer head 
Fer I'm recollectin' the words that she said, 
Livin' on happiness gone in the yore, 
Knowin' the future is always before, 
Jes' waitin'. 

On nights when I'm lonely her kisses I feel 
An' often, by golly, they almost seem real. 
So real that I whisper "Yer back, girl o' 

mine, ' ' 
But she ain't, so I'm sittin', not makin' a 

sign, 

Jes' waitin'. 



33 



MIGHTY LIKE A BLES8IN' 

CEEMS like folks mos' always say 
^ When dey kneel 'em down to pray 
''Lord! be blessin' me to-day 

Though I been transgressin ',' 
Always lookin' on de groun' 
Always carryin' a frown 
Never see de things aroun' 

Dat's mighty like a blessin'. 

Never notice of de bees, 
Never find a thing to please 
When de wind up in de trees, 

Comes wid its soft caressin'. 
Gee! I t'ink the babblin' brook, 
Bacin' like 'twas overtook, 
Ef you'd only stop to look, 

Is mighty like a blessin'. 

Love to see de mother hen 

Ask her chickens ''Whar you been!" 

Laugh ma self sick now an' then. 

When I see 'em messin'. 
Lord! De things folks lets go by 
On der knees wid hands up high, 
When de thing that's right here nigh, 

Is mighty like a blessin'. 

One thing sweeter dan de res', 
One thing better dan de bes', 
Do' she cert'ney is a pes', 

Keepin' of me guessin'. 
Hark, her footstep comin' here? 
Hark, her voice so soft an' clear? 
Jes' to know an' call her ''dear," 

Is mighty like a blessin'. 



35 



Sometimes, over yonder hill, 
Moon look fo' a whip-poor-will, 
Tellin' him he must keep still, 

As her lips I'm pressin'. 
Den de moon, he was, he 'low'd, 
'Shamed of makin' up a crowd, 
When he'd hide behin' a cloud, 

'Twas mighty like a blessin 



37 



SOMETHING TO LOVE 

"IIT" HEN yer as lonesome as lonesome kin be, 
^^ Git something t' love. 
If only th' hard things of life you kin see, 

Git something to love. 
If all things around you seem empty and 

cold, 
You feel pessimistic and wrinkled an* old, 
Don't worry an' grumble an' cuss 'round an' 

scold, 

Git something to love. 

Whether it's children or chickens or trees, 

Git something to love. 
Or horses or women or yellow-back bees, 

Git something to love. 
Don't close your heart up to Nature and 

things, 
The world sometimes grumbles but mostly it 

sings, 
Jus' take my tip, man, an' see what it brings, 

Git something to love. 



39 



VLL NEVER LOSE MY MONEY IF 
AIN'T GOT NONE TO LOSE 

TIM SMITTENS wuz a poor man, 

^ Poor as church mice ever git. 

Do ye think that Jim would worry- 
About money — not a bit. 

Jim says ' ' I got it all thought out 
An' poverty I choose, 

'Cause I'll never lose my money, 
If I ain 't got none to lose. ' ' 

Folks said to him ''Now, Jimsey, 

You jes' git yerse'f a wife, 
It'll give you an ambition 

An' a different view of life." 
Jim smiled an' said ''I thank you, 

But I fear I must refuse, 
'Cause I'll never lose my wife, sir, 

If I ain't got none to lose." 

From the morning to the evening 

He complained of feelin' sick, 
So they said ''Go to a doctor 

An' he'll cure you mighty quick." 
Jim coughed and smiling sadly. 

Said "There's hardly any use, 
'Cause I'll never lose my health, sir, 

If I ain't got none to lose." 



41 



ON LOAFING 

IIM BRIGGS he wuz a loafer 
*^ An* at loafin' took th' quince. 
He started life by restin' 
An' stayed restin* ever since. 
He loafed from morn *til evenin' 
An' enjoyed hisself, I swan! 
When most folks earned their daily bread, 
Why Jim, he jes' loafed on. 

The boys growed up around him 

An' they made 'emselves careers 

An' when they came back to our town, 

Folks greeted 'em with cheers. 

They'd set the world on fire, 

In some spots, while they wuz gone. 

They carved their names in hist'ry 

An' Jim, he still loafed on. 

Ed. Smart he's an inventor, 

Took to flying in the air. 

Sam Foot became a lawyer 

An' the best that's anywhere. 

Bill Wills took architecture 

An' he worked from dawn 'til dawn. 

Yes — all our boys succeeded, 

But Jim — ^he jes' loafed on. 

Mos' all our boys was sixty 

When they shuffled off the coil 

An' the doctor diagnosed it 

As an overdose of toil. 

They had worked an' they'd succeeded 

An' at sixty they were gone, 

While smilingly, at ninety, 

Our Jim — he jes' loafed on. 



43 



*'THE QUEENLY LADY'' 

BEAUTIFUL, lovely, regal, 
We placed lier upon a throne. 
Down at the base we worshipped 

And loved in a stifled tone. 
Stately, she walked among us, 
Bowing, we parted the way, 
Cursing that we were common, 
While she was of finer clay. 

And we never knew, for how could we know, 

As our lips touched her marble hand. 
That her heart cried out from within her 
breast, 

"Why is it you won't understand? 
Tho' you've made me a thing to worship, 

I loathe it here above, 
Tho' I look like a queen, I'm a woman, 

And what I want is love." 

Fluffy and soft and brainless, 

Pretty as violets are, 
Those are the kind we fondle 

And drop like a burned cigar. 
But she of the rose-like beauty — 

We knelt at her feet, a slave, 
No word of love we told her. 

Not one of us was so brave. 

And we never knew, for how could we know, 

As our lips touched her marble hand, 
That her heart cried out from within her 
breast, 

''Why is it you won't understand? 
Tho' you kneel for an age at a kneeling, 

Prating about my charms, 
When my tired soul just hungers to be^^ 

Wrapped in a strong man's arms." 



45 



One of us one day married 

This creature of regal state, 
Often she called him "husband," 

But never she called him ' * mate. ' ' 
With us he knelt and worshipped, 

Down at the base of the throne, 
And smiling alike upon us. 

She sat there in state alone. 

And we never knew, for how could we know, 

As our lips touched her marble hand, 
That her heart cried out from within her 
breast, 

"Why is it you won't understand? 
It's so cold and terribly lonely, 

Sitting up here above, 
Tho' I look like a queen, I'm a woman, 

And what I want is love. ' ' 



47 



HIS HOUSE IN ORDER 

/^H, the floor was simply littered 
^^ And the books were piled so high 
And the dust upon his pictures 

Often used to make him sigh. 
Then he started in to fix things 

And of neatness have a run, 
But things, alas, would look far worse 

Than when he had begun. 

His shoes were in a corner, 

His trousers on a trunk, 
His waistcoats in the closet, 

Looked like a lot of junk. 
And when he wanted collars, 

They were underneath the bed. 
But he always found them, somehow, 

No matter what he said. 

At last he got a slavey 

Some sixty-six years old. 
She toiled from night till morning 

And was worth her weight in gold. 
His house is now in order, 

There is neatness everywhere, 
No dust upon the pictures. 

No trousers on the chair. 

His house is now in order, 

His papers put away. 
And when he looks for letters 

It takes him one whole day. 
His shoes are safely hidden, 

For his socks he seeks and seeks, 
And she leaves him in the morning 

To be gone for many weeks. 



49 



''THE GOSHDERN WORDS" 

'T'HEY always has been sumpin' wrong 
■*• About my memory. 
The biggest part of all my brains 

Is my fergittery. 
When I was only one year old, 

Gee ! I could talk as plain, 
Exceptin' when they's company, 

An' then Pa 'd go insane, 
'Cause I'd fergit the goshdern words. 

An' later I v/as sent to school, 

To learn to read an' write, 
I knowed that I must study hard, 

With all my main an' might. 
I studied hard to learn a piece, 

To speak before them all, 
But when I got up on my feet, 

I jes' began to bawl, 
'Cause I fergot the goshdern words. 

The boys all used to laugh at me, 

An' sometimes call me ''Sis," 
Though I could beat them at their games, 

An' seldom ever miss. 
I don't know that I blame them much, 

Fer nothin' could be wuss, 
'Cause when I tried to be a man 

An' let right out an' cuss, 
Why, I'd fergit the goshdern words. 

My greatest trouble came at last, 

When I met Sarah Ann. 
She married Hiram Simpson, 

Though I'm a better man. 
I kep' my love locked in my breast 

Er some such place as that ; 
Fer when I tried to speak of it, 

Why, I jes' twirled my hat, 
'Cause I fergot the goshdern words. 



51 



Now, I could go on writin* this 

Fer jes* the longest time, 
'Cause if you're fond of poetry, 

Why, I jes' love to rhyme. 
But you see how it is with me, 

When T write jingle-ings, 
I can't jes' seem to write so much 

Of things, an' things, an' — ^things, 
'Cause I fergit the goshdern words. 



53 



^'MARTHA'S CHRISTMAS TREE'' 

'lyrEMBER Martha's Christmas tree, 

-*• ■*• The first she ever had, 
WheD she was big as half a foot 

And couldn't gurgle ''Dad" 
Ner "Ma" ner any other word 

'Ceptin' p'raps 'twas "goo"? 
'Member her first Christmas tree, 

When Martha jes' was new? 

'Member how I cut the tree 

Back yonder in the wood? 
An' how we took an' hid it too, 

As ef she understood? 
'Member how we popped the corn 

An' strung it all on strings, 
An' drove the cart 'way into town 

T' get them tine 'lee things? 

'Member how the neighbors came 

T ' see her Christmas tree. 
An' how she laughed an' gurgled, 

As she clapped her hands in glee? 
An' looked at all the faces 

That gathered in the door, 
The same that raised their glasses 

To the bride the year before ? 

Once more it's Christmas time, dear, 

Tho' forty years have passed, 
An' your old head and mine, dear, 

Have whitened in the blast. 
But still we're stringin' popcorn 

An' the tree is hid away, 
An' our heart is op'ed to welcome 

Martha's kiddies home to-day. 



55 



'*THE POINT OF VIEW" 

THHE Optimist : 
^ The Spring has come, 
When Nature opens wide her eyes, 
And, smiling, bids her children rise 
To greet the azure of the skies. 
When birds, new-plumed, are on the wing, 
When they their song of greeting sing. 
Rejoicing at the news they bring. 
The Spring has come. 

The Pessimist: 
The Spring has come 
And with it comes the rain and damp, 
The muddy streets in which to tramp ; 
Spring cleaning — so I must decamp ; 
Spring fever lingers in the air; 
'Tis cold, then warm, but I don't dare 
To shake my Winter underwear. 
The Spring has come. 

The Optimist : 

Oh, Summer-time! 
The humming of the little bees, 
The wind that's sighing on the trees. 
The roses ' perfume on the breeze ! 
The rising of the crimson moon. 
The whippoorwill with plaintive tune, 
My heart cries that you're gone too soon, 
Oh, Summer-time! 

The Pessimist: 
Oh, Summer-time ! 
That humid horror of our lives. 
When each for coolness vainly strives; 
Mosquito bites, and sometimes hives. 
When each one's cry is "Lots of ice !" 
And damn the man that makes the price ! 
Compared to you, hell must be nice ! 
Oh, Summer-time! 



57 



The Optimist : 
And now 'tis Fall. 

Fair Autumn, dressed in red and gold, 
Her splendid self bids you behold, 
Before the Winter doth enfold. 
The waving of the goldenrod 
Gives Summer-time her farewell nod, 
And watches Winter 's onward plod. 
And now 'tis Fall. 

The Pessimist: 
And now 'tis Fall 
And comes the awful fume and fret 
Of taking down mosquito net, 
Or looking for a house to let. 
The leaves out in the yard knee-deep, 
Inside the house the dog must sleep, 
And you ask why I cuss a heap ! 
And now 'tis Fall. 

The Optimist: 
Oh, Winter-time ! 

Within, the glow of hearth-fire bright ; 
Without, the earth in mantle white 
Reflects the glory of the night. 
The wide, wide world is pleasure-mad, 
For young Jack Frost, that merry lad, 
Commands that we shall all be glad. 
Oh, Winter-time ! 

The Pessimist: 
Oh, Winter-time ! 

There's naught to do but slide and slip, 
To break your leg or back or hip ; 
And if not that, laid up with grip. 
The snow within your collar blows; 
Last night, no light — ^the gas main froze. 
What coal has risen to, God knows ! 
Oh, Winter-time ! 



59 



JES' YER LITTLE WATS 

1 SUPPOSE that they's more reason why a 
feller loves a girl 
Than any other known complaint he's got. 
Her face, her form, her tiny foot, some foolish 
little curl, 
And some, when asked for reasons, don't 
know what. 
But, honey, I've a reason, an' it's dearer than 
them all, 
That God with your sweet nature 
interwove — 
'Tain't yer eyes, ner yer hair, ner because 
you're grand and tall. 
It's jes' yer little ways I've learned to love. 

I^e heard 'em call you pretty, yes, and 
beautiful as well. 
I Ve heard the fellers rave about your hair. 
They told about yer figure, an' the clothes you 
wore was swell. 
As they assumed a critic's knowin' air. 
They've often set me smilin' at the foolish 
things they see. 
Tho' because yer pretty I don't disapprove. 
But, Lord, girl, when I'm dreamin', why, the 
things that come to me 
Is jes' yer little ways I've learned to love. 

No, girl, I can't describe 'em; they're so 
different and so quaint; 
An' besides, describin' women is an art. 
They may tell you that it's hard to understand 
you, but it ain't 
If they'll look a little deeper in yer heart. 
I love to watch you 'round a room or cuddle 
in a chair; 
I follow with my eyes, afraid to move 
An' I realize it, honey, when yer fingers 
touched my hair, 
It's jes' your little ways I've learned to 
love. 
61 



''THOU SHALT NOT'' 

]\/f Y head is bowed, my heart is lead, 
••■ -'• My arms are pinioned to a wall. 
I heard a voice, and this it said: 

' ' Thou shalt not. ' ' And I heard the call. 

I saw her face, and thought I saw 
A haunting hunger lingering there. 

I said, " I '11 break these cords ; ' ' then heard, 
' ' Thou Shalt not ! " And I did not dare. 

The passing world saw not our bonds; 

To them we passed along, serene. 
They did not see as our hands met, 

**Thou shalt not!" staring in between. 

We looked away ; for what might pass 
We did not know, if our eyes met. 

For though we were above the rest, 
**Thou shalt not!'' we could not forget. 

Just once we looked each in our eyes, 
And then it seemed there was no choice, 

But yet we did not dare to move. 

' ' Thou shalt not ! ' ' came the awful voice. 

God's word, they say, was made for good. 

For breaking it an angel fell 
And so we passed along, we two, 

* * Thou shalt not ! ' ' leading us through hell. 



63 



''LAVENDER'' 

I LAID you away in lavender, 
* I turned the key in the lock, 
And even tried to lose it, 

As time went round the clock; 
Just as I'd lost a hundred, 

That once seemed just as dear. 
I laid you away in lavender, 

But yet you're always here. 

On nights when the wind is wailing, 

And the fire is burning bright, 
It isn't the smoke from the embers 

That seems to clog my sight; 
And it isn't the smell of tobacco 

That permeates the air. 
'Tis the odor of old lavender 

From memory 'way back there. 

On nights when the wind is wailing 

I sometimes pick the lock 
Of my memory's leaden casket; 

Sometimes turn back the clock. 
The odor of that lavender 

So far away and faint ; 
It crowns you with a halo, 

And makes you seem a saint. 

I laid you away in lavender, 

Forever and for aye. 
I hope that that old fragrance 

Within my life will stay. 
But I never want to see you — 

'Tis far from now to then; 
And the days we lived together 

Can never live again. 



65 



nr wo dusty packages tied with string, 
* Letters of days gone by. 
Two dusty memories upward spring, 
But which of them gets the sigh? 

''Jack, dear, I am writing you to-night 

To tell you that I've been proud 
Since first our friendship came to light, 

And I hope that never a cloud 
Of evil thought will mar its way. 

'Tis sweet when I think of you. 
To know that on through the months and 
years 

Our friendship 's been pure and true. ' ' 

''Jack, dear, I am writing you to-night, 

For I must, do you understand? 
Oh, would I could feel you hold me tight. 

Or even the touch of your hand 
Against my cheek, and then one kiss 

With that heaven that we know. 
Oh, Jack, for a moment of that bliss. 

And I — I 'd never let you go. ' ' 

Two dusty packages tied with string. 

Letters of days gone by. 
Two dusty memories upward spring. 

But which of them gets the sigh ? 



67 



PERHAPS— SOME DAY 

pERHAPS some day when you are all 
■■■ alone, 

When all the world assumes a sombre tone, 
And you are searching for some other thing, 
A trick of fate my memory will bring. 
Perhaps some day. 

And you'll remember that short, fleeting time, 
When our two hearts became a happy rhyme, 
And you will know that I, too, paused a while 
To let your memory make the world to 
smile — 

Perhaps some day. 

Perhaps some day that fate will guide us 

back. 
And we will put behind ' ' Alas, alack ! ' ' 
And live a moment, only you and me, 
The answer to all this can only be — 
Perhaps some day. 



69 



'MEMBERIN' OF YOU 

p^F yeh see me settin' silent, 
^-^ In a solemn kind o' way, 

I'm a 'memberin' of you, dear gal. 
Ef I'm lookin' in the distance 

An' a dreamin' thro' the day, 
I'm a 'memberin' of you, my pal. 

Ef yeh see me stroke my fore'ead, 
And I kinder softly smile, 

Don't put me down as crazy, 
Er of most erratic style. 

And I 'opes they won't disturb me, 
But jest let me dream a while, 

Fer I 'm 'memberin ' of you, dear gal. 

Ef yeh 'ear me sighin' softly 

Like a load was off my mind, 
I'm 'memberin' of you, dear gal 

And ye '11 know that I am tired 
' the other sort and kind. 

When I'm 'memberin' of you, my pal. 
Ef yeh catch me awful busy, 

Like I 'aven't been before. 
An' a-chasin' my hambition. 

Like the world had things in store, 
Jes' give yerself the credit, 

I say, lay it at your door, 
Fer I'm 'memberin' of you, dear gal. 



71 



''HELLO!'' 

HELLO, girl! 
Hello, boy! 
This, with hand-clasp, was our greeting. 
Seems as tho ' at onr first meeting 
' ' Hello, srirl, ' ' and oh, what gladness 
Inherecho,^^ Hello boy!" 

*' Hello, girl!" 

"Hello, boy!" 

This, and then a moment's kissing, 

Gave us what in life was missing. 

'* Hello, girl," and oh, what madness 

In her echo, ''Hello, boy!" 



''Good-bye, girl." 

"Good-bye, boy." 

Thus we spoke it at our parting. 

Just a little tear was smarting. 

"Good-bye, girl," and oh, what sadness 

In her echo, ' ' Good-bye, boy ! ' ' 



73 



THE BIQET ONE 

¥ 'M settin' lookin' backward on a rather 
* checkered past, 

Checkered as to heart affairs, I mean. 
An' I'm settin* kinder lonesome, with a 
memory that's vast. 
When it comes about the gals that I have 
seen. 
Seen 'em — yes, an' I have known 'em — every 
different kind and style — 
From the kind that dressed in satin down 
to lawn. 
But somehow I ain't never stuck but just a 
little while, 
An' I'm wonderin' if the right one's come 
an' gone. 

I remember I liked Nelly, 'cause she had the 
bluest eyes. 
An' I thought a paradise was hidden there. 
An' in Sally's sweet direction, gee! I threw 
a lot of sighs, 
'Cause my heart went simply mad about 
her hair. 
For a while I lived a romance as contributed 
by Kate. 
Just to see her window I'd get up at dawn. 
Then somehow I turned to Elsa, an' I simply 
called it fate, 
But I wonder if the right one's come — an' 
gone. 



75 



Helen, she was brainy. Gee! she knew most 
every thing, 
An' was good to look at, too, like all the 
rest. 
Still, I somehow turned to Mabel, an' I almost 
bought the ring, 
But I wasn't certain sure I loved her best. 
'Cause you see I met my Peggie, with her 
figure and her clothes. 
Gee ! I raved about the things that she had 
on! 
Why didn't I wed Peggie? Well, goodness 
only knows, 
An' I wonder if the right one's come — an' 
gone. 

There were Gladys, Jane and Marjie, just as 
sweet as they could be. 
Not one of them that weren 't worth a sigh. 
Each of 'em with a little trait that made 'em 
dear to me. 
But somehow I just let 'em amble by. 
So I'm settin' by my lonely, thinkin' of the 
days that's past, 
The curtain of my memory open drawn. 
I'm regrettin' — but how could I tell my last 
would be my last? 
An' I wonder if the right one's come — and 
gone. 



77 



*' ABSOLUTE CONTROL" 

MAN should be superior to all of 
womankind, 
Should be the boss and always have his 
way. 
Woman ought to follow him an' let him lead 

her blind 
And he should never let her have her say. 
You bet your life in my house, I'm the one 
lays down the law. 
It ain't no good to coax me or cajole. 
'Course I let her make suggestions an' accept 
'em if they're good, 
But I feel that I'm in absolute control. 

Tho' as I say ''I'm absolute," o' course I 
sometimes find 
It's easier to let her have her way. 
An' when she calls "John Henry!" I answer 
her so kind, 
An' go at once — she knows I hate delay. 
Ef she tells me, "Do an errand," why I get 
right up and go; 
I kin afford to be a generous soul. 
'Cause she knows, I know she knows it, and I 
know she knows it, too, 
That I feel that I'm in absolute control. 

If I come home with my wages, an' she says, 
"John, give 'em here!" 
She knows she daresn't ask me more than 
once. 
When I've walked, an' said I rode it, and I've 
spent that much for beer, 
If I told that, she'd think I was a dunce. 
My home's the way I want it, 'cause I make 
myself the head. 
A man ruled by a woman strikes me droll. 
I'm generous— can afford to be— an' I let her 
run the place, 
'Cause I know that I'm in absolute control. 

79 



TO-MORROW'S GIRL 

O HE'S a sweet little girl 

^ Is my girl of to-day, 

AVith a sweet little, neat little manner ; 

And my heart gives a bound 
In the usual way. 

As she softly requests that I fan her. 

Of the yesterday girls 

That I've loved well and true; 
And I've loved quite a few, I confess it. 

There was none with a smile, 
Nor an eye quite as blue, 

Nor a hand quite as soft when I pressed it. 

Oh, those yesterday girls. 

How their shadows grow dim. 
As I think of to-day's charming maiden, 

And I almost believe 
That my fluttering heart 

At last with pure love is o'erladen. 

And yet, as I gaze 

At this sweet little miss. 
My gaze rests upon her with sorrow. 

For although she is sweet, 
She's not sweetest, by half, 

As the girl I '11 be loving to-morrow. 



81 



''JE^' ME AN' NATURE'' 

pOMPANY is needful 

^^ To a certain class of folks; 

Got to hev folks singin' 

And a cuttin' funny jokes. 
Overlookin ' friendship 

With a far more deeper tone, 
Gee! but I am happy 

When we're sittin' all alone — 



Sittin' by the river 

With your back agin a stump, 
List'nin' to the bullfrogs 

Jumpin' in kerplump ; 
Hark'nin to the skeeters. 

With a tune that's all their own. 
Gee, but I am happy 

When we're settin' all alone, 
Jes' me an' nature. 

Wind a-singin' love songs, 

Singin' to the woody wild, 
Whisperin' to the saplin's. 

Like the grown-ups to a child. 
You kin do yer talkin' 

Of companionship you've known; 
Gee! But I am happy, 

When we're settin' all alone — 
Jes' me an' nature. 



83 



RILEY MUST 'A' KNOWED 

1 SOMETIMES sit an' wonder in the soft 

* September day 

Of the strange why-for of nature, an' what 

nature hast' say; 
Why none of us can understand the birds 

along the road, 
And then I jes' remember Whitcomb Riley 

must 'a' knov/ed. 

I love to watch the flowers when they're 

bursting into bloom; 
I love to pick the roses an' to smell their 

sweet perfume. 
I'm wonderin' why nature gave 'em sweetness 

when they growed, 
An' then I jes' remember Whitcomb Riley 

must 'a' knowed. 

I've set fer hours thinkin' in some still, 

moss-covered nook, 
An' listened to the ripplin' an' the babblin' 

of the brook; 
I've wondered what it told me, as down the 

hill it flowed. 
An' then I jes' remember Whitcomb Riley 

must 'a' knowed. 

What a lot of Heaven's comfort we'd be 

gettin ' as we pass, 
If we knowed what winds was say in' as they 

whisper to the grass; 
If we knowed advice was given by the 

whippo'will an' toad, 
I'd be happier if I knowed the things that 

Riley must 'a' knowed. 



85 



''NOBODY LOVES A FAT MAN'' 

WHEN I was a baby so pretty and pink 
They made such a fuss over me, 
I thought to mj^self in my infantile think 
What a glorious life this will be, 
For though I was plump, how the deuce could 

I tell, 
That I'd grow to be built like a cow, 
I can't get a sweetheart, you wonder why, 

well, 
Just take a good look at me now. 

CHORUS : 

Hell, nobody loves a fat man, 

I'm as lonesome as I can be. 

Wish I was just a slat man, 

Then they might make a fuss over me. 

Feet are weary from carrying me o'er the 

ground, 
Mouth is tired of eating up food by the 

pound. 
And now that the summer time's coming 

around, 
Hell, nobody loves a fat man. 

I can't go in bathing I make such a sight. 

And they say that it raises the tide, 

I always catch cold as I go home at night, 

On the street car I can't get inside. 

With a shoehorn they've tried to get me in 

a hack, 
They can't do it because of the shelf. 
When I go to a dance, the girls say, ''What's 

the use?" 
In a corner I sit by myself. 



87 



CHORUS : 

Hell, nobody loves a fat man, 

I'm as lonesome as I can be. 

Wish I was just a slat man. 

Then they might make a fuss over me, 

They say that I look like a crowd in the 

street. 
I stand at a show, I won't fit in a seat. 
And it's years since I had a good look at my 

feet, 
Hell, nobody loves a fat man. 

If I call on a lady and enter the room. 
She says, ** Please, don't sit over there, 
The furniture's weak, if you'll pardon me, 

sir, 
I'll bring in my grandfather's chair." 
I once proposed marriage, I murmured to 

her, 
"It's to tell you I love you, I'm here." 
She took a good look at my size, then she 

said : 
**Why, I'd feel like a bigamist, dear." 

CHORUS : 

Hell, nobody loves a fat man, 

I'm as lonesome as I can be. 

I wish I was just a slat man. 

Then they might make a fuss over me. 

I was terribly sick in the year that is past, 

''Your appendix" they said, "and it may be 

your last, 
We can't operate so we'll just have to blast." 
Hell, nobody loves a fat man. 



89 



MT PRAYER 

THE prayer, Oh God, I offer up to Thee 
Is not that countless wealth may come to 
me. 
Nor yet for greatness far beyond the rest, 
I only ask, Oh, Lord, that she be blest. 

Greatness ? I only would be just so great 
That she could understand and be my mate. 
I ask no wealth that goes beyond her need 
And that my greatest wealth be wealth of 
deed. 

I do not pray for life that lasts for aye. 
Nor that Your sun may shine on me each day, 
I only ask, Oh, Lord, when her you bless, 
That I be in her scheme of happiness. 

I do not pray for life that lasts for aye. 
Because I would not live beyond that day 
When she was gone, and I'd no longer see 
That smile that what I am had bid me be. 

Oh, God, as in the darkness here I grope, 
Leave me that ray of sun that bids me hope 
And in the chain of favors let it be 
That she will come at last alone to me. 



91 



(^ 



RD- 17 








DOBBS BROS. v^^ 

'iOCT 79°. "-^^^ 

L I ST. AUGUSTINE ° c^ %, 






CONGRESS 




